I often describe my life as being incredibly awkward. I have my Awkward Amy moments that make me just cringe upon reliving them in my mind as I lay prone in the dark wondering if I can move, change my name, or just disappear.
I think people wonder if I'm exaggerating the awkward moments in my life.
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| Me on any given day. |
Pull up a seat, let me tell you a story.
Yesterday I had an appointment with what I lovingly call the "Butt Doctor". You may unfortunately remember me writing about some of the troubles I had after birth. If you don't know or you want to relive it, you can read about it all here.
So. I'm in the waiting area, I'm the youngest person there by about 40 years. I hear my name and make my way to the doctor's office. I am actually amazed at how chill I feel because I know I'm going to have to talk about you know, the back passage, as the Brits call it. We chat for a bit and discuss the problems I had and how it's now resolved.
He lets me know that even though it seems to be OK, he'll still perform an exam because it's best to be on the safe side. I go and lay down on the exam table while he fetches a female chaperon.
Yes, please. Let's add a third person to the mix.
After he starts the examination (and you know what, I'm sure you can figure out how that goes since he's a damn butt doctor) he starts making small talk. WHY?!
"So, where are you from?" The curse of having an American accent, there's always small talk to be had.
"Oh, I'm from Maine!"
"Oh wow, I've been there."
"My gosh! Really? I'm from Portland!"
"You are! I lived there one summer! I worked in a Greek tavern down by the water front! I lived overlooking the baseball stadium. I love Maine."
"Wow! The Sea Dogs!"
Now, I'm sorry I'm about to type this but can you even comprehend how awkward it is to be talking about your hometown while a doctor has a finger up your rectum?
Of course it was great to meet someone who had been to Portland and recalled how much he loved it and enjoyed his time there.
But I really would have appreciated that it had happened while I wasn't laying on a table with my knees bent in to my chest and a quiet female nurse stood in the background.
And on the flip side, can you imagine how awkward her life is?
"Yes, today was called in to an examination and they just had a lovely chat about local beers and baseball teams while there was petroleum jelly and a rubber gloved involved. Christ."
So again: