The other day as I frantically tried to remember where I put the Father's Day card I bought for the Husbandfriend, I had a thought:
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I'm a squirrel.
I'm basically running around, burying my nuts and then promptly forgetting where I put those nuts. The good thing about it is the surprise when I find a hidden cache. I only reason I found it was when I was clearing up a pile of crap from the kitchen table (obviously the perfect hiding spot!).
This got me thinking a bit more, what other animals do I have the ability to morph into?
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| I hate the whole "I'm a mama bear, step out my way before I claw your face off for looking at my kid!" thing but ya know...it's accurate. Image via Jeff |
As it's been shown that goldfish actually have pretty good memories, I'm basically Dory the fish from Finding Nemo.
On a daily basis I am having this conversation with anyone who speaks to me.
Me: When are we meeting up?
Perons: Thursday the 22nd at 1pm at Costa.
Me: OK, so that's Monday the 30th at 2:10pm at Tesco?
On a daily basis I am having this conversation with anyone who speaks to me.
Me: When are we meeting up?
Perons: Thursday the 22nd at 1pm at Costa.
Me: OK, so that's Monday the 30th at 2:10pm at Tesco?
Opossum
LBO's cot is still in our room. And this means that the minute I hear him stir during the night and I happen to be awake reading, I play dead. I lay there, silent. No blinking. No breathing.
LBO sometimes naps on the couch. But it's a delicate process. I make a little bed. I give him his fussy. A toy. And then I have to sort of play dead on the other couch while he stares at me. I've found that the deader I look, the quicker he will drop off to sleep.
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| "Every move you make, I'll be watching you." |
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| I had to play dead for a good 30 minutes before he drifted off. |
Ostrich
You know those times when you've spent upwards of an hour trying to get the baby to sleep and then they do but then like 5 minutes later they start crying and you just wish you could stick your head in the sand (OK so ostriches don't actually do this but it's a popular enough belief that I'm using it) and ignore it? Yeah. I think we've all been there.
Also applies to when the Husbandfriend starts shouting down the stairs "Hey, do you think you could come up and help?"
No.
Also applies to when the Husbandfriend starts shouting down the stairs "Hey, do you think you could come up and help?"
No.
Sloth
There are days I am so tired all I can do is lay down, the only movement being me continuing to shove food in my face.
Pig
I am blaming this on the breastfeeding. And for all those people who keep going on about breastfeeding "melting" the fat away. I just want to blast Cee Lo Green's song "Eff You" into your stupid faces.
Raccoon
Running on no sleep + no desire to wear makeup = "Holy bags under your eyes, Batman!"
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| If you don't know Chris Farley, you're missing out. |
Running on no sleep + no desire to wear makeup = "Holy bags under your eyes, Batman!"
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| Me, on a good day. Image via Neil McIntosh |
Elephant
I'm not quite sure what happens but when the baby is sleeping for the night, I somehow transform into the clumsiest asshole on the planet. I bump into doors and door frames. I stomp around the landing and manage to step on every. single. creaking. floorboard. I trip going up the stairs causing me to swear loudly. I stub my toes, more swearing. If I need to get something from our room I manage to (every time!) bump the cot, which instills the fear of God into me as I hold my breath and wait to see if it's woken him up. It's like I'm happy he's sleeping but my subconscious is wanting me to wake him up? #selfsaboteur
I'm not quite sure what happens but when the baby is sleeping for the night, I somehow transform into the clumsiest asshole on the planet. I bump into doors and door frames. I stomp around the landing and manage to step on every. single. creaking. floorboard. I trip going up the stairs causing me to swear loudly. I stub my toes, more swearing. If I need to get something from our room I manage to (every time!) bump the cot, which instills the fear of God into me as I hold my breath and wait to see if it's woken him up. It's like I'm happy he's sleeping but my subconscious is wanting me to wake him up? #selfsaboteur